Today I woke up mourning someone who never truly existed. When you are wired to only see the good in people, when your damaged, broken heart connects to the damaged, broken hearts of others, you create an idealized, potential version of them. The version that you know they could be – that they are, under all the bad things that have happened to them. And you reflect that back to them, and onto them, and you just want them to see themselves as you see them, all golden and shiny and happy. But that happy ending will never come. They hate what you show them, for that is not how they see themselves. They have become entrenched in their broken identity, comfortable in wearing that skin. They have become tough, impenetrable, and caged. They believe that this keeps them safe, when what it does is keep them disconnected. And the more you reach out for connection, the further away they get.

Over time you realize the self-righteousness in wanting the one you love to see all the reasons you love them. In believing that if they would only see themselves through your eyes, they would miraculously be freed from their cage. You neglect to acknowledge that they are choosing that cage, and that no matter how much you want to connect with them, how deeply you crave a meaningful connection between your souls, they are not that person and they are not in that place. To respect them is to meet them where they are, not where you want them to be. All the empathy in the world cannot save someone who has become comfortable in the quicksand, and jumping in to attempt that save will only drag you down also.

Release the self-righteousness and let the villains be villains, even if it is only within their own story. Let the villains believe that you are the villain, if that makes them feel secure, for you know the truth in your own heart. No, you are not perfect, but you are learning, and growing, and healing. Not everyone is ready for a happily ever after. Not everyone drawn to your depth is equipped to swim in it. You can let them go, both the potential you see and the truth that they choose. Time is precious, you do not need to spend yours where it is not appreciated and your depth is not reciprocated. There are truly good people in the world, those who will not drown in your depth because they have developed their own. Get out of the quicksand and go forth and find them.  

Truth Bomb

I will always be your villain because you need someone to fight (it’s how you’re wired). You didn’t believe you deserved me, so you dismantled me. Broke me down into jagged pieces so you could get cut and bleed.

Affirmation

I am done with people who expect me to hold space for them and leave no space for me.

For me to hold space for someone, they must hold space for me also.

It’s never sustainable for one person to be doing all the space holding.

If you can’t hold space for my depth, then keep your shallow to yourself.